femifist

Hello Boys and Girls.  Today’s topic is fair fighting.  Sometimes we find it difficult to communicate how we are feeling to our partners.  There are some things that we can do to better express the emotions that we are experiencing.

Prepare

What to do:

• Deal with little and big issues when the arise and you both are ready to deal with them.  This could mean making an “appointment” to fight.
• Be specific and know what you are fighting about.  Only present one issue at a time.

What NOT to do:

• Do not ignore or dismiss an issue that your partner feels is pertinent.
• Do not give “the silent treatment.”
• Do not bring up the issue at an inappropriate/embarrassing time to your partner.
• Do not save up little hostilities and then dump them all on your partner at once.

Getting Started

What to do:

• Own your anger by using “I” statements.  For example, you might say, “I’m furious about…”
• Be specific and say what you mean.  Your partner isn’t a mind-reader.
• Stay in the present by using current examples.
• Address your partner’s behavior, not his/her personality.

What NOT to do:

• Do not generalize- “You always….” or “I never….”
• Do not resort to namecalling.
• Do not tell your partner what he or she is feeling.
• Do not dwell on past issues.
• Do not blame your partner for your problems.
• Do not purposely call attention to your partner’s known weaknesses or areas of sensitivity.
• Do not overreact to the situation by making idle threats or giving ultimatums.

Reacting

What to do:

• Be an active listener.  Try to unstand where your partner is coming.  Take all things into consideration.  Is he or she having a difficult time in other areas of life?
• If you feel like you are being attacked, take a deep breath and count to 10.  Try not to take things personally.
• Do not fight back when you know that your partner is just letting off steam.
• If you are wrong, admit it.

What NOT to do:

• Do not cross-complain by countering your partner’s issues with your own.
• Do not ignore or belittle your partner or the issues at hand.
• Do not sulk.
• Do not assume that your partner should know what you are thinking or feeling when you haven’t told him/her.

Finishing Through Negotiation

What to do:

• After you’ve heard your partner’s greivance, discuss what your partner seeks to gain by making the complaint.
• Discuss coming to a resolution that is satisfactory to the both of you.
• Talk about each other’s perceptions.  How is it that you see things so differently?
• Resolve one issue before moving on to the next.

What not to do:

• Do not think that one of you has to win or lose the arguement.
• Do not ignore your partner’s emotions.

Call a foul if a fair fighting rule has been broken.  If the issue cannot be resolved, agree to another appointment to finish it later.  Do not pretend to agree when you really don’t.

Do you understand boys and girls?  Follow these simple guidelines and you will be on your way to a healthier relationship!

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